The feelings that came up today were fear of being found out, having done something wrong, being a failure, not good enough and ultimately shame, that I am bad.
Helping my friend was stressful and I was exhausted when I got home. I kept playing it all through my head, wondering whether we had dotted all the eyes and crossed all the ‘t’s.
Even after doing an extra thing to make sure that all things are lined up for her, I doubted myself when she thought that something went wrong, which had nothing to do with what I did.
I felt terrified with the feelings I mentioned above, they felt so intense even though my logical mind knew that is was all ok, even after double checking again.
The way through those feelings is to be with them, I know, but all I wanted was to avoid them.
My old childhood pattern of feeling that I am responsible for the feelings and hard times of my mother had been activated.
My mother had told me that she had a hard life because of me, more than once.
It was like walking on eggshells around her, she got sick, migraines etc.
It was mostly only her and me apart from the few times my father was home.
Interacting with other people has been something I avoided, so I don’t end up giving myself up to please others, or being blamed for things that go wrong and feeling like I have no show in stating my case.
Being with other people confronts me with my deep feeling of being not enough, not good enough, not important.
Therefore I have chosen solitude more than connection, independence instead of interdependence.
All this is related to that internal conflict that comes up when I want experience more of the feeling of belonging, connection.
Wouldn’t it be nice if I could build new neural pathways which help me believe in myself and the possibility to connect and feel more of a sense of belonging?