Anxious, scared little part of me

“I don’t want your fear to hold you back”, a counsellor said to, meaning well, trying to encourage me towards ‘pushing through’. This had the opposite effect on me.

Having expressed my feelings of not feeling good enough and having lived a life time with ‘better than nothing’, I felt pushed and unsafe. It also brought up my feeling of not being important and nobody hears me, cares about me. (I discontinued the session with the counsellor.)

Last nights dream showed me that when these feelings are triggered ‘my wounded inner child shuts down, trusts no one and feels stuck in ‘ I am not important, I have to please others to survive.’

My adult Self knows that all those feelings are from the past, etc. but pushing through them is like putting a smiley sticker on the empty petrol gauge, or worse on the oil warning light.

I really appreciate having had a (different) counsellor before who taught me how to emotionally reparent my wounded inner child, which is not easy to do.

I came across this article how epigenetics – what our parents and even grandparents experienced emotionally effects us, as well as that neglect in early childhood seems to disable us to be emotionally mature later on.

How much have I wished to ‘snap out of it’, get over it, leave the past behind, to push throught the fears, and I have tried many techniques during the last 30 odd years of my 63 year life.

The quote below from the article helps me to feel less ‘crazy’, demented.

“Why can’t your friend “just get over” her upbringing by an angry, distant mother? Why can’t she “just snap out of it”? The reason may well be due to methyl groups that were added in childhood to genes in her brain, thereby handcuffing her mood to feelings of fear and despair.”